#reality

No one wants to be labeled a hater but sadly there are many among us who are and don't believe it or know it.

These are people who are generally very loving and kind, are labeled "sweet as apple pie" and have "hearts of gold"...until...unless they find themselves in sticky situations that bring out "another" side.

Example: Mother and older sister(s) are on the prowl at an out-of-town 3 day wedding extravaganza, looking for a bride for the jewel of the family, their handsome, successful, and fresh-out-of-law-school son/brother who is ready to be "rishtafied"! After sorting through hundreds of "prospects' they finally meet a girl that catches their eye! She's beautiful, well-dressed, and quite intelligent. Her mannerisms and etiquette are impeccable. Mother and daughter are beaming with joy as they bombard her with questions, each of which she executes perfectly! They finally walk away gleefully and just as the daughter begins mentally choreographing the first of many complex dance routines her and her friends will do for the mehndi, and the mother holds on to her final memories of the precious gold sets she will soon part with, another "aunty" with prying eyes who watched their entire exchange rushes over to them from clear across the hall to let them know....

*Screeecccchhhhh....hallllltttttt*

"What was that?" What did you say? She was what?!! D...I...V...O...R...C...E...D?????

And that's it...that one single word sends heads flying, eyeballs rolling, and fingers wagging in every direction like a scene out of the Exorcist!!!! Together these three gems stand for the next 30 minutes dining on the raw flesh of the former-never-really-had-a-chance bride...

The outcome of this gossipfest? That the once "beautiful and impressive" prospect is no longer "good enough" for their prized jewel. Suddenly, she's not a "good match". Suddenly, she's "too tall, or too dark". Suddenly, her family or education is suspect. All of the qualities that minutes before made her wonderful are now being picked apart like a carcass being preyed upon by vultures. They do not bother to inquire from HER about the details of her previous marriage, no, no, that would be the fair and just thing to do! Rather, they immediately scratch her off the list and join the pack of wolves who will likely go on to gossip about her for years to come...

The absolute delusion of some of these women with "hearts of gold" (and men--lets be honest men are just as guilty of divorce discrimination, if not more) is TRAGIC. They will speak about the importance of establishing a home with high morals and principles based on Islam and the importance of finding a wife who recognizes her Islamic duties and obligations to her husband. Yes, they will GLADLY glorify every aspect of Islam that is in line with THEIR cultural and personal values and to their benefit, but when it comes to this issue of marriage...when it comes to selecting the "right" girl they will completely IGNORE the fact that God made permissible divorce for both men AND women and there is NO shame in being divorced or that the Prophet (peace be upon him), the most perfect man who all men should model themselves after, did in fact marry a divorced woman...as did MANY of the Sahabah and righteous people throughout history!

Instead, they will persist with their contempt, their judgement, their shameless persecution and discrimination of divorced women who have in MANY cases suffered unspeakable crimes against them and were fortunate enough to get out of their previous marriages. If they bothered to talk with them they would find that many of them, despite how long their marriages lasted or their culture, age, education, religiosity, socio-economic background, lineage, etc...have a compelling story to tell...

The truth is that NO God-fearing woman, and I repeat NO GOD-FEARING WOMAN gets married hoping or wanting to be divorced. She gets married because she trusts. She gets married because she loves. She gets married because she hopes. She gets married because she wants to PLEASE GOD and protect herself from fitna.

Is it fair to assume the worst about her? Is it fair to assume that SHE was the reason her first marriage ended---that she couldn't keep her husband happy? Is it fair to scrutinize her every single action and word and deduce her to a perpetual failure who can never be trusted in a marriage again?

SHE IS A HUMAN BEING. SHE EXPERIENCED SOMETHING DIFFICULT...A TRIAL AND A HARDSHIP WHICH IS PART AND PARCEL OF THIS THING WE'RE ALL A PART OF CALLED "LIFE"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you punish someone who invests their heart and soul in creating their dream but ends up losing it along the way? Do you kick them when they're down and treat them like they are worthless? Do you tell them that they should never dream again?!

As a community, we seriously need a wake-up call. Divorced women are part of this community. They deserve to be treated fairly and their privacy needs to be respected. NO one has a right to judge them, gossip about them, and treat them like they are lepers and unworthy of marriage. Even if they did contribute to the dissolution of their first marriage, then that is for God and Him alone to judge. If He allows for second chances, why can't we?

God bless all the men in our community who are on the path of our Beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and truly practice what they preach. God bless the men who look past the stigmas, the labels, and the gossip and look at the hearts. God bless the men who are MEN ENOUGH to consider a sister for her PRESENT virtues not her past. God bless these men and INCREASE their numbers and RAISE their voices so that if anyone thinks a woman who was previously married isn't "good enough," is immediately put in their place and reminded that the value of a divorced woman was determined 1400 years ago when she was good enough for the Best of Creation (peace be upon him)!

(Please read the above with the intent with which it was written: to bring to light the epidemic discrimination that divorced women experience, not only by men who pass them over for marriage but by other women who relentlessly judge them. Please also do not read into the details and comment on the cultural references made; divorce discrimination is common in all cultures, sadly. Please also don't respond with irrelevant comments about how not all divorced women are victims or how divorced men also suffer. I am not speaking about either of those groups of people right now. I am speaking about the vast majority of women who are divorced because they have been abused, abandoned, neglected, betrayed, etc., and continue to suffer because of the rampant discrimination against them in our community!)

~Hosai Mojaddidi (Sept 20, 2013)